058 Activity after toxic relationships with Kirstie Groves

First off, I do want to just give you all a trigger warning. In this episode, we are going to be talking about toxic and controlling relationships. So if this is a sensitive subject for you, or if it raises any issues in you, you might want to give it a miss. However, it is important to raise awareness of some of the more subtle red flags in these types of relationships, particularly around activity participation.

In this week's episode, I am joined by Kirsty Groves. Join us as we discuss how being in toxic relationships limits your availability to exercise as you cannot always commit to it, as they change plans which means you are not reliable.

• The benefits of group exercise and social connections for mental health recovery.
• How past relationships can affect fitness and healing.

About Kirsty Groves:

Kirstie met her ex-husband at just 17 and moved in with him before her 18th Birthday, she was in a relationship with him until age 42.  She then jumped straight into another, possibly more toxic, relationship due to her lack of self and her identity desperate not to be on her own, as loneliness was so scary. 

At school, she was very active taking part in swimming and gymnastics and she wanted to be a travel rep abroad.  Leaving school, she wanted to continue with playing hockey, but when she left home at 17, her ex said she didn’t have time to play hockey. Throughout her marriage, she tried to stay fit but was always unable to fully commit as his life came first, and then after the birth of her son in 2003, she had to fit around her son's needs and husband's needs.

Sometimes when she had a match, she’d get a phone call saying he would be late, and she had to phone in sick. Kirstie tried running but was unable to commit to training. As her ex was very anti-exercise so didn’t support her. Despite this, she managed to finish the London marathon in 2015 with no training due to a lack of time and support, she made the trip to London alone.

After leaving that marriage, her second relationship also gave her no time alone as he was also anti-sport. However, now single, she has retrained as a swimming teacher, taken up yoga, and joined a running club all to help with her healing but also to help her mind and focus and she is starting to thrive as a result. It has given her a new social circle, that all support her growth.

Kirstie now helps other women to rediscover their identity and transform after toxic relationships often with a narcissist, be it a partner, family member, friend, or work colleague.  Kirstie allows her clients to have space to explore and experience personal growth from surviving life to Thriving at it.

hello@kirstiegroves.co.uk  www.kirstiegroves.co.uk  

About Sarah Bolitho:

Sarah Bolitho helps fitness and health professionals develop their careers and grow their businesses by providing specialist training in teaching, assessing, and internal quality assurance, together with qualifications in exercise referral and disability.   

For more about the training and support Sarah offers, visit www.sarahbolitho.com or contact her at admin@sarahbolitho.com.

Follow her on social media
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/fabnewlous_active_lives
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/fitnesscareer mentor
Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/sarahbolitho

Transcript

Sarah (00:01.25)

Hello and welcome to this episode of Creating Active Lives with me, Sarah Bolitho, and my guest this week, Kirstie Groves. I'm going to introduce Kirstie in a moment, but first off, I do want to just give you all a trigger warning. In this episode, we are going to be talking about toxic and controlling relationships. So if this is a sensitive subject for you, or if it raises any issues in you, you might want to give it a miss. However, it is important to raise awareness of some of the more subtle red flags in these types of relationships, particularly around activity participation. So if you do listen and it does raise questions or thoughts in your mind about either your relationship or relationships to do with friends, colleagues, co-workers, or things like that, we strongly recommend that you consider seeking advice or support and links will be provided in the transcript so you can hopefully, if you need to, reach out and get some advice and support. So, Kirstie. helps other women to rediscover their identity and transform after toxic relationships, often with a narcissist, but any kind of toxic or controlling relationship. It might be a partner, a family member, a friend or even a work colleague because I think that's actually under-discussed, isn't it? Sometimes the work relationship. Y

Sarah (01:23.894)

But Kirstie allows her clients to have space to explore and experience personal growth so that they can go from surviving life to thriving at life. And she's just told me she's actually starting a yoga qualification, which I think is just perfect for this type of field. So we will talk about that a little bit more, but first off, Kirstie, tell us a little bit about yourself and what's brought you to the realization of the link between activity and relationships.

kirstie Groves (01:53.255)

Yeah, I kind of so I personally I've got some lived experiences. I met my ex husband when I was 17. Literally he wouldn't ask me out when I was 16. He waited till I was 17. There was a few issues around birth dates. He told me he was 19 but in fact he was 22. Kind of relevance nowadays is I'm not quite sure but so.

At 17 I was a little bit lost, I didn't quite know which way I was going in life, I'd always been sporty, I thought I wanted to be a travel wrap abroad, I was doing a travel diploma at college and then I left home, was encouraged to leave home and by the time of my 18th birthday I'd left and on my 18th birthday I signed a mortgage and I felt trapped. I didn't quite know, I just went with it. I didn't ever say this isn't what I wanted. I just went along with what I've been told. Didn't have any families. My friends had become a little bit separated from me. So he was my world. I worshiped everything about him. His family became my family. And that was it for 25 years. I was married for 25 years. I had a son, seven, no nine years into that relationship I had my birth of my son and he is my world, I'm so proud of him and who he's become. And it was him that told me to leave his dad, it was him that gave me the strength and the power to leave because his comment was why do you stay when my dad treats you so badly? I thought I was doing the right thing in staying because I was giving my son a family unit.

Sarah (03:32.17)

Really?

kirstie Groves (03:47.003)

Something his dad hadn't had, because his dad's dad had suffered, had lots of affairs and his mum had got rid of him. So I saw he was wounded. He'll never do that to me. But I now know that the portrayals were happening all the time, but I didn't tell anyone, because I was embarrassed. Yeah, I thought it was about me. I thought it was because I was unlovable, I wasn't good enough. But now I know having done a lot of healing that was my past. I hadn't felt good enough in school, I hadn't felt like my sister. So I literally looked for someone who probably carried on making me feel that way. My marriage ended after another big affair and I jumped within three months into another relationship that was possibly more toxic because I realised at that point

Sarah (04:10.186)

Yeah, that's one of the big issues, isn't it?

kirstie Groves (04:16.855)

kirstie Groves (04:47.031)

It wasn't about me. It was about what my divorce settlement was going to be. Yeah, it was what I was going to gain financially from my divorce. The guy moved in with me within eight months. He lived without paying me rent. He, and when I talk about that, there's a lot of people that resonate with that. My partner lives with me rent free, hang on. Yeah. And I'm like, no, it should be. He lives with me. Yeah, he shouldn't have to pay my mortgage but he should contribute half the bills, but there was none of that. And I sat with that for three and a half years. I let him live with me. I became step-mom to his kids. And then one day he just, I started healing whilst being with him. I started looking at what this behavior was. And in this time, all of a sudden went, this isn't what I want. Still took me 18 months. And then one day he just went I've used you, I've been living with you because I can't face my own life and left. Yeah, and then that led to me now reinventing myself, becoming the best version of myself through my healing. Without that healing I couldn't be where I am today.

Sarah (05:51.682)

Gosh.

And that's such a powerful message is there is hope, there is healing, there is life after these relationships. So activity wise then, because I kind of know some of your back story and how important activity, how important a part of your life activity was. You were very, very active at school, swimming, gymnastics, hockey and things. So what kind of happened in these relationships to change that?

kirstie Groves (06:11.312)

Yes, Definitely.

I put them before myself. I put their needs and their wants before me. So I tried my best to carry on keeping my fitness. I love being fit. I love the downs. I live in Sussex. I love being outside. I love being around sporty people. But for some reason, neither of my partners were sporty. They both thought sport was something to be laughed at. Why would you want to do it? Why would you? Yeah and I think one of the main things I chose I entered the ballot the London Marathon every year and then one year I got a spot through the ballot which some heard of so I knew I had to do it. No support with my training. I grabbed runs where I could.

Sarah (07:03.043)

Wow.

kirstie Groves (07:28.431)

I ran the London Marathon in 2015. My longest training run was 10 miles. 

Sarah (07:34.974)

Really. And anybody who's, anyone who's ever trained for a marathon will know that, you know, training is a commitment. Yeah.

kirstie Groves (07:40.783)

You were meant to do 22. Yeah. And I took myself that morning up to the start line and I did it. I did it for me. I raised money for a charity at the time that meant a lot, which was Epilepsy Society. But I run that for me. I crossed that finish line. I think 20 minutes late they were to even see me. They turned up. By that time I just wanted to go because I was so emotional. The fact that I'd completed an marathon and, but also there was no one there to watch me. They'd been waylaid, they'd been delayed. Yeah. And I think that was the first time I probably went, I am on my own here. Yeah.

Sarah (08:16.61)

Gosh. Yeah, but there were other things weren't there with sort of kind of getting in the way of your activity and even plans had to be changed at the last minute because of something that they'd come up with

kirstie Groves (08:31.223)

Yeah, I joined a netball team because I loved netball when I was at school and as an adult I decided I was going to stop playing netball again. So I joined the local team and the rule was if you didn't train you couldn't play. Fine, that is absolutely and I knew when I signed up that could be an issue. But it would be things like I'd get a phone call within an hour of going. Oh, you can't go I'm going to be late home from work. Who's going to look after our son? And because we didn't rely on babysitters because that's not what we did. I didn't go. So it's quick phone call. Sorry, I can't make it tonight. I'm really sorry. And that would seem to be my life. It seemed to be that just sport wasn't a priority. It came behind everything else in life. So I tried my best. I think I ended up with a gym at home just so in the day I could do something. But it was always not a priority.

Sarah (09:38.006)

This is something I've heard from other people I've spoken to about this. I've been in the fitness field for a long time. I've worked with thousands of people. People talk to you. We're a bit like hairdressers in a way. And I know a couple of people have said that there was always a reason why, oh, I'll be late or you can't go tonight or this has happened. There was always a reason why they had to cancel or forego their activities.

Kirstie Groves (10:02.283)

Oh, definitely.

Sarah (10:05.102)

The flip side of that was they would then be mocked for being overweight or out of shape. And it was kind of like, well, yeah, but you won't let me do what I need to do. But it was very, you know, you need to be more active. You must be more active. You're out of shape. You don't look good. Blah, blah, blah. And then suddenly it was, oh yeah, but you can't go tonight. 

kirstie Groves (10:23.247)

Yeah, it was definitely a little emotional... Oh, yeah, I can't stand people that wear leggings. People that wear leggings are overweight. You shouldn't wear leggings. It's little comments, little snippets. And I think that was the worst thing was when I'd come out of the marriage and jump straight into the next relationship, I didn't even attempt to do sport. I didn't for those few years, I didn't even attempt it because I wasn't... Sounds really... I look back and go, it sounds really dire, but it was literally, we were together 24-7. There was no time. It was more toxic, I think, probably, than my marriage. But at the time, I didn't notice that. And there was no time for sport. It was.

Sarah (10:55.374)

And let's be honest, you know, initially in a relationship quite often, because of all the oxytocin and all the hormones, you do want to be with somebody as much as you possibly can be. But then the relationship evolves, the relationship changes into one where you do have your own interests, you do your own things. And there are times where you do need your own space. So for that kind of initial, intense phase to carry on, it isn't really part of a healthy relationship, is it?

kirstie Groves (11:11.288)

Yeah, definitely.

It definitely wasn't a healthy relationship. It was meeting my needs of feeling good enough, feeling wanted feeling, but it wasn't meeting my needs mentally. I was suffocated. I was very suffocated in that little world, but just you can get out of it. You can take small steps. And literally my healing started when I was still in that relationship. When I started Googling, this isn't healthy. Why am I so alone but with him 24x7. And I can remember making that comment to him saying, why do I feel alone even though I'm with you every moment of every day? And that was reality in my world.

Sarah (12:06.83)

It's, and that's, I think a lot of people may well resonate with that. But it's, I think activity is such an important part of our lives. And it's so important for physical health, for medical health, for emotional health, mental health, but also for social health. A lot of activity is a community or a group based activity. And, you know, not everybody wants that, but even if you go to the gym to train on your own, you're around other people, you get the kind of social vibes from other people, even if it is just, have you finished on that machine or to help racking your weights up or something, group exercise, walking and stuff, you see people, there is a kind of social element to it. So not having that, I mean, it isn't just the impact on our physical health. We know that physical activity is, you know, a major contributor to most of the diseases and conditions out there. So not being able to be active, has a huge impact on physical health. But it's that emotional health and confidence, I think that really suffers, doesn't it? When you've been isolated, as I said, whether it's... Yeah.

kirstie Groves (13:22.447)

I had no confidence. I was wearing a mask. I know that and I think I wore that mask for 30 years because lots of people said we didn't realise. No, because I wore a mask to hide behind because I didn't want anyone knowing what I was going through. Alone, alone, loneliness is the biggest thing.

Sarah (13:39.387)

Yeah, it's but this is this is where when people come out of relationships, you can feel very lost very adrift uh And and this is yeah And this is where something like activity could actually have such an it could be such an important part of healing of recovery of getting back out there and yet Because your confidence your self-esteem your self-belief is so low the thought of doing something with other people in leggings or whatever you want to wear is just terrifying. And this is where I think we need more people like you who've been there, who've come through it, but more importantly, who understand that first step to be more active is terrifying because you just don't have that belief.

kirstie Groves (13:56.347)

Yeah, it's, it's because you've lost who you are, you don't, you, you kind of fight in this thing that you've been through this life. Is that it? Is that what we're meant to be? Or you have to like switch it around going, okay, what is the life I want to create? One of the first things I did was join a walking group. Everyone can walk. Everyone can put on a pair of shoes and walk. So I just scoured Facebook and found a walking group. This walking group, when was that, about 18 months ago, I still have friends from that walking group. I don't go, it's just they meet up in the National Trust car park and we go for a walk. You only ever go when it's a safe. You see who's on the walk, you make sure there's a lot of people and then you can go. Kind of, if it's one or two people, no. But if there's like 10, 12 of you and I've met some amazing people. I actually met my coach on that walk in January. So I started to do that and with that came confidence because I had to talk to people and I talked to a whole array of people learning about everyone's different types of life. And yeah, it did make me realize what I've been through but it also helped me grow. So, yeah.

Sarah (15:32.858)

Yep. Wow. So I was just going to say there's something about walking and talking. I think it's because you're focused on where you're going. You're focused on nature in that natural environment. You're not like face to face with somebody across a room or in a chair. So you do look at people, but there isn't that kind of fixed concentration on someone. It's so much easier to talk. And I know a lot of walk and talk therapy groups, coaching groups out there now because it's a great environment to just feel you feel safe even if you're outside but there's a connection with nature as well I think that really helps.

kirstie Groves (16:04.624)

Yeah, definitely, exactly. Walking through the woods, there's nothing better. Walking up on the Sussex Downs, there's nothing better. I'm very much a beach advocate. I spend a lot of time either sat at the beach or walking along the seafront down here because there's something about the beach and the sea and the calming effect it has on me. So I know that when I have those days, I still have those days. Healing isn't linear. It doesn't just happen. It's a lifetime of changes.

So yeah, I quite often end up down the beach just with coffee and just sit and take in, just to help calm me. But, so then I started walking and then I was like, sometimes this takes a whole day, let's join a running club. So, I noticed that my local running club had a couch to 5k. Brilliant, I can learn to run properly, but also meet people because I have got my friends and my friends are amazing and they are so supportive. But sometimes they've got their own lives. Let's join people that enjoy doing what I like to do. So join the Buddy Club. And now, yep, now I set myself little challenges. I've kind of just finished in the month of January a charity event for the WOLO Foundation, which is support and a friend of mine with cancer. Every day in the month we did. First, we did one kilometre. Second, we did two kilometres. Right through to the 30th burst, we did 31 kilometres. Yes, I was a team of three with some of my running friends. We joined up together and we did it as a team. But that, yeah. Yeah, but like tonight we're off to celebration tonight down the local pub, everyone together. And that's what comes with when you join these things. You don't just run one day a week.

Sarah (17:57.902)

What a great way to do it though. What a great thing to do. Yeah.

kirstie Groves (18:20.719)

You join a little family. And that's so key.

Sarah (18:22.669)

Yeah. And like, this is something that, yeah, I mean, anybody who listens into any of these will know that, you know, hey, I love walking and I'm not a runner, but I get for a lot of people running is, it's brilliant, yeah. But it's something that I think we overlook quite a lot. And this goes for any age, but we overlook that social connection. And even if you don't necessarily open your heart to the group you're with and things, but just saying hi and just being around other people sometimes is enough. And I know, you know, I taught loads of different classes, used to work a lot with older adults in my time and sometimes somebody new would come along and they didn't necessarily talk, they just sort of said hello and they waved and smiled and it could be months before they actually started talking, but they just, they liked being around other people.

kirstie Groves (18:35.463)

I don't think I'm a runner, I think I just enjoy it.

Sarah (19:18.558)

I worked in exercise referrals, so I worked with people with medical conditions and people would sometimes come along and some of the places I worked at weren't, it wasn't like, oh, open your front door, there's the centre. They had to make an effort to get there. They would come along to tell me they weren't well enough to do their class. So they would physically get there because the social thing, they wanted to see people, they wanted to be still part of that. So even if they weren't well enough or fit enough on that day it was really important and I think this is something that a lot of people who are coming out of these relationships with that sense of isolation, that sense of that lack of sense of self, you don't have to go into some of these things like walk and talk or walking for health or catch 5k or anything like this. You're not expected to go in and say hello my name's Sarah and this is what's been happening. You just go in and say hi I'm Sarah I've never run before.

kirstie Groves (19:55.771)

Yes.

Sarah (20:13.814)

And that's, it's just sometimes that confidence of just being around other people. And yeah, your story might come out. You might find somebody with a similar story, who knows? But it's that, it's being around other people, isn't it? And that social acceptance of doing something.

kirstie Groves (20:29.799)

Definitely, it's just knowing that you're going to see someone because sometimes when you live on your own especially it is so easy to feel like you don't want to go outside that front door and that's what's quite good about joining a running club, a walking club, just a group in general even if it's not your full-grown activity group whether or not it's just a social group.

Those people know when you don't go. They know when you're having that day where you just don't wanna train. And you'll get there.

Sarah (21:05.942)

But also, it's an appointment, isn't it? Because you can't, it's not like, should we go for a walk at some point today? Yeah, let's go for a walk at some point. And then suddenly at seven o'clock and you're thinking, oh, we've missed the boat. It's right, we're meeting at 11 o'clock and we're going for a walk. And if you don't go at 11, you've missed it. And I think that's another big push, isn't it? And of course, the more you do, the more benefits you get.

kirstie Groves (21:08.73)

Exactly.

Sarah (21:28.586)

And it's not like after a month you go, right, I've been exercising for a month. These are all the things that have happened. These are all the benefits I'm getting. But there'll be a moment, there'll be a day, there'll be a point where you suddenly go, I'm not as nervous about doing things as I used to be. I can do more than I used to. There's a gradual creeping sort of effect. But something will happen one day and you'll realise, oh, I'm actually in a different place. 

kirstie Groves (21:40.492)

Exactly  and I think also having been through the trauma It's so easy when you're in a relationship Where you committed to something you committed to that event you committed and you go I can't go And you cancel because you don't have it. You don't feel good enough You don't feel like you've got that power in you to just be social And that's the that's the thing I can remember was I cancelled a lot. I cancelled a lot of things. People would invite me out even just for a drink and I'd cancel because I just didn't have the strength to live my life where I woke up and went to bed. The day in the middle I don't really remember but it was just nice.

Sarah (22:37.43)

Yeah. Do you think this is where activity is such a great thing? Because when you're, if you're going out socially, you're going out to dinner, you're going out for a drink or something like that, you know you've got to talk, you know that you've got to have that social interaction. Whereas with activity, there's kind of a, if I'm working hard enough or if I'm running, I don't necessarily need to talk. So yeah, and I do think that's a big part of why activity is so important in recovery.

kirstie Groves (22:50.851)

Yeah, definitely. You don't have to talk.

I think even when it comes to group classes at the gym, you kind of, you can hide at the back. You can do your activity. You don't have to talk because there is no time to talk. But you know at the end, there's going to be a little bit of natter. There's going to be a little bit, even if it's just, hi, how are you? You know there's some interaction. And one of the big things I do, and a lot of my friends, you smile all the time now.

kirstie Groves (23:33.479)

Because that smile cost nothing. And you don't know that smile when you're in a class, it's just made that person's day. Yeah.

Sarah (23:35.959)

Yeah, and it's there is I mean, you know, we could talk about all the feel good factors and the hormones and all that stuff that comes with exercise. But actually, yes, there's a lot of physical and endocrinological stuff, you know, hormones and I'm not going to go into that too much. But we know that, you know, when you do something physical, you feel better. It's an innate response. How many of us say, oh, I need to go for a walk to clear my head. I need to go outside and get some fresh air.

kirstie Groves (23:47.136)

Exactly.

Sarah (24:10.046)

I need to stop doing, I need to just go and do something to get out of this. We instinctively know that, but I don't think there's enough awareness of kind of how you, the kind of social hormones. I don't know if this has to do, but yeah.

kirstie Groves (24:15.267)

Exactly, so yeah exactly that interaction with, we are human beings, we were put here to interact with others. That is kind of, yeah and that interaction is what keeps us going.

Sarah (24:31.382)

Yeah, we are tribal beings. We get, we get, you know, this sort of psychological boost of being around other people, doing something positive. Cause you know, whether you go to the gym to sort of beast yourself and crawl out on your hands and knees dripping blood, or whether you just do a really nice gentle walk, it's, there's a physical response. But when you're doing it with other people There's a psychological gain, there's a social gain, that just being around other people, just kind of almost getting other people's vibes and aura, if you want to get into the side of it, it's just, it's so underrated. And like I say, the people that used to come along because they didn't feel well enough to do the class, they still wanted to be in it. It was an important part of their day. 

And I'll often say to people, particularly people with mental health issues, with severe anxiety, depression, but also whose lives have turned upside down for whatever reason is, don't just exercise when you feel like it, make an appointment, do something that has start time because you're more likely to do it. Now you may go on and do other things, but having that thing, and like you're saying about the January thing, having a team is, there is kind of sense of I will go because I don't want to let people down. I will do it because I don't want to let people down. But it's almost not necessarily with the social thing, is I'm going to go to the class because otherwise. But I will go to the class because I want to see people. I just want to be there. And I think we underestimate how important that is, and we don't talk about it. We talk about the physical, we talk about your cardiovascular system and your muscles and flexibility. But we don't, yeah.

kirstie Groves (26:02.919)

Exactly. Yeah, but the mental health that comes with it.

Sarah (26:30.41)

We don't talk about kind of the social benefits of it and just look, you're just going to be around people. You don't have to talk about your life or anything, but just saying hello to somebody and smiling or someone saying, I really like your leggings. That can change your whole, it can just make you smile. And I know it's, they, they are just really bizarre and it's kind of linked but not, but there was a photographer and he took photos of people and he took a photo of them. And then he said, oh my God, you're absolutely amazingly beautiful. I took another photo and the difference in, they're just whole complexion, their whole face looked lighter. And it wasn't that they were looking, smiling more or anything, but you could see a difference in their facial expression. And I think we get that from these positive social interactions. We go out, you go out smiling, don't you? Go out just feeling good and very much for my clients I very much work around who you surround yourself is so important and when you have those negative people around sport, if you're sporty it really does bring you down but actually if you surround yourself with those kind of people that you want to be like or with it makes such a different day for you so very much around that. Your tribe is your life.

I always say, because we always talk about radiators and drains, so there are some people that radiate warmth and you absorb it. It's like being next to this wonderful radiation and there's some people who just suck the life out of you. And we all know, we can all think of people, but you can't avoid drains. You know, it would be lovely to say avoid anyone who drains, you can't. But I think if you do have those sorts of people, you actually need more radiators to kind of combat that. And that's what you get from sport. You mentioned netball earlier.

kirstie Groves (28:03.663)

Yeah, definitely.

Sarah (28:21.262)

There are so many netball groups for all ages, whether you're in your teens or your 60s, there's going to be a netball group for you. Yeah. Yep. They're huge. Yeah. And they're so much fun because for a lot of people, it isn't the football or the netball, it's being part of a team. It's doing something that even if you lose.

kirstie Groves (28:24.327)

Oh yeah,  well there's lots of walking netball now, there's walking netball clubs, walking football clubs for the guys. They're bringing every aspect, every age in now.

Yeah. Comradery, all in it together. That's why I love a start line at a race. Start line at a race, you are stood next to someone who may run twice as quickly as I can, but you've also got those people at the back that are there because they want to be part of something. They walk the whole thing. That's absolutely okay. And actually, they're the people.

Sarah (28:51.955)

You just come out of it with a smile on your face and I think that's so important. Yeah.

kirstie Groves (29:19.963)

That I have so much admiration for because they're out there and they are doing it. They can't run but they want to walk it, they want to be part of something bigger.

Sarah (29:24.838)

Yeah, that's it. And it's that kind of personal gain, isn't it, that you get from it? And chances are the ones that are shut off at the beginning, when they see you after the race, they'll be like, Oh, how did you do? Well done on finishing. They're just as happy for you. Yeah.

kirstie Groves (29:33.412)

Yeah!  They, and that's, that's just it. When you get into, into these worlds of sport, it doesn't matter if you're the worst, it doesn't matter if you're the best. It is, we're all in it together. We're all trying to encourage each other because without support for one another, the world is quite a nasty place.

Sarah (29:52.971)

Yeah. That's it. They always say, don't they, a rising tide lifts all boats. So, you know, let's sports like that. It's whether you're at the absolute pinnacle elite level of your sport or you're just having a bit of a laugh it's the more that we're all in it together and you know I've seen you know gymnasts in big competitions and the really good ones are we they'll be giving advice to some of the younger ones who it's their first competition there's no preciousness like I'm not just doing I'm not sharing with them I'm going to beat them it's like well do it this way do that chat and help and support because it benefits us all in the end and I think this is something that a lot of people coming out of difficult relationships, or whether they're toxic, traumatic, controlling, abusive, because they've lost that sense of self, they've lost that any confidence they had, activity is something that can really kind of give you something to work with, to work towards, but give you something to look forward to in your day. 

kirstie Groves (30:04.663)

Yeah exactly. And it's just the small steps. It's just, even if you join a gym, or actually you don't have to join a gym because, get real, do you know what I mean? When you've been in toxic relationships, the thought of signing up for a long time for anything, that's very intense. But literally just find out a group that interests you, whether or not it's a walking group, whether or not it's a swimming club, get in the pool, don't have to talk to anyone there, but you can just go up and down, get some endorphins going, get some feel-good going because that is the most important thing in life, is just to get out in that world because we've been hidden for so long.

Sarah (31:45.695)

What would be kind of like, if somebody's listening or somebody knows somebody, what would be like a piece of advice for somebody who is out of a relationship and is just the sort of getting into an unknown situation, even if it is just activity, what would be your advice? Just do it.

kirstie Groves (32:09.935)

The biggest thing is do it, but also be kind to yourself. I'm very much every day just wake up and be grateful for one little thing and be kind to you. Because we spend more time with us than anyone else. We tend to put our kids before ourselves, our family members before ourselves, but actually do something for you. If you wanna go out and you want to go for a walk, do it. Because that ripple effect of you looking after you, the ripple effect to everyone around you is awesome. It's mind blowing, but it starts with you.

Sarah (32:41.965)

That's it. Get your favourite podcast. Let's face it, the longest relationship you have in your life is with yourself. And, you know, No, we don't.

kirstie Groves (32:57.835)

Exactly. But we don't believe that. It's taken me a long time to go, okay if I'm happy, the people around me are happy. But if I put someone above me doing stuff for them, then I'm not as happy as I should be. Yeah, definitely. The ripple effect is me.

Sarah (33:09.55)

and it ripples out. And yeah, I mean, you can get podcasts these days, audiobooks, if you just if you're a bit nervous about walking. But there are some really good walking meditations out there, which sort of like for the first 10 minutes or so can really just soothe you as you're getting into it. But it's try different things. Try different things and see what like

kirstie Groves (33:24.709)

Yeah, definitely.

Sarah (33:39.262)

You don't have to go to a yoga class or a Pilates class or a CrossFit class. You don't go once and then that's it. That's it for life. You're going to stick with that forever. It's like, you know what? Didn't like that. I'll try something else. Try until you find the thing that really go, yeah, I'm enjoying this because you might do something else later.

kirstie Groves (33:51.753)

I think that's what's quite funny with the yoga. And even my son said it to me, he went, Mum, you used to take the mickey out of me when I did yoga at school. And I did, because I didn't understand it. When I came out of the toxic relationship, for some reason, I was drawn to it. I wasn't, never done it before in my life. I had this yoga. It's, yeah, it's not me.

it's not, but I went to experience it because how do I know it's not for me if I don't experience it? So I went to my class, found one locally to me and yeah it's changed my life because it's allowed me to understand my body, it's allowed me to understand breathing. We all breathe but do we do it properly? Do we understand the impact it has on our body, our muscles, everything about our lives, how it calms us. And just learning that for the last almost two years has led me to go, I need to understand it more. I wanna start to teach it so I can work it with my clients to let them understand their body, how it works and how just calming it is.

Sarah (35:15.906)

And I think when we understand how our bodies work, we're much more confident in our bodies. We're much more appreciative in our bodies. We see them in a much more positive light. And of course that then spills out into our whole life. Yeah.

kirstie Groves (35:28.835)

Yeah, the way we hold ourselves, the way we... Just literally when we're in that situation, I spent a lot of years in my fight or flight and probably dissociate, I didn't, I was in freeze state. I lived every day in the freeze. And now I understand that feeling I get. Why is it there? Has it come because of my past? What's this trigger that's shown up in me at that moment? And I can fully understand that now.

Sarah (35:40.971)

Yeah.

kirstie Groves (35:57.815)

That's how I work with my clients, what's that feeling? Let's feel it in your body. Once we start to feeling on our body, we understand it a lot more and can start moving forwards.

Sarah (36:08.366)

And that's so important, isn't it? So where can people find you if they want to get in touch or find out more about what you do?

kirstie Groves (36:13.331)

Okay, yeah, so on my Facebook, I'm just Kirstie Groves and you can find Kirstie Groves. I'm a trauma-informed coach. I class myself as trauma-informed transformation coach because that's what I love doing. So I am on Facebook. I've got a website as well, which is www. and all my information's out there. I am on Instagram as well as Kirstie Groves Coaching, but I love what I do and just reach out.

Sarah (36:35.862)

Brilliant.

kirstie Groves (36:44.047)

I mean a virtual coffee costs me nothing, costs you nothing, but we can have a chat, see if I can help you because that I think and I do believe now I went through everything I went through to give me my purpose. My purpose is to support other women going through it because unless you've been in that situation you don't understand. You can't read those feelings out of a book. It's yeah definitely.

Sarah (37:06.166)

So, it is having that completely lived and learned as well. It's really important, isn't it?

kirstie Groves (37:15.195)

Yeah definitely because trauma bonds, they are so hard to break. It's not okay to sort of the relationships over you walk away. You are trauma bonded to these people. It took me over six months to leave my husband. He didn't even live with me but every day I still asked him for advice because he was my go-to and it's learning how to break those cycles so you can live your best life because it is possible.

Sarah (37:23.52)

Kirstie, thank you so much for coming and talking because I think it's such an important subject and you are clearly so passionate about helping and supporting others. And, you know, we need more people like you and, you know, supporting people getting back into activity for the physical, the emotional, the social, for all the benefits there are. Just helping people take that first step is so important. So I will make sure all your links are in the episode information.

kirstie Groves (37:53.267)

Yeah, definitely. Thank you.

Sarah (38:13.25)

Kirstie, thank you so much for coming in and talking today. It's been really, really interesting.

kirstie Groves (38:15.995)

Thank you so much for inviting me and it's lovely to meet everyone. And just reach out if you need anything.

Sarah (38:19.53)

Yeah, I mean, we'll get you back on when you've done your yoga training to sort of see how you're using that as well. But you've been listening to me, Sarah Bolitho and my guest Kirstie Groves on this episode of Creating Active Lives. We will see you all again very soon. Thank you for listening.